31-05-2023 23.06

 Hey readers,

I am not so much active as I use to be.

Probably because here is an update.

I did graduate with my master's degree last month.

I am fully grown up, with a master's degree, and working at a very well-known firm as my first job. I am currently in a state of mind where I am trying to figure out what to do with my life.

Ever since I graduated, I feel like a new person in a way, that I did achieve my childhood goal where I wanted to be a pharmacist, and now I am. But what now???

I have an apartment of my own, and I make my own money. I have been traveling to different countries. I have had fun in life. But, now I want more. Not more of that, but I feel my destination has just begun. I do not know where to go, my job is not my dream job but it is a start. But I feel I like a motivation or a goal. 

I have been thinking a lot about, where I want to be in my career.

Lately, three topics are surrounding my thoughts:

- Meet my partner for life, be married, and have a family of my own with kids. To build my own little family.

- To be a manager or a leader in my word

- To earn money, so that I do not have to worry about that.

My family is struggling to save money and buy a house - I want to give my family a house soon. But, how soon is soon, when my salary is limited.

Sorry for not being so active, I feel like I have a lot on my mind and plate, I am trying to find myself in this new state of life status that I am currently; Single, graduated, free, with no goals.

04-02-2023 11.43

 As time goes by, my heart lets go ... Your birthday is in ten days... I counted the age you have reached, and I counted the year that we meet. It has been 7 years.

7 years of a rollercoaster, and in the end, we ended up being separated. God knows sometimes, my heart cries, I cry because we both wasted years trying to know how to love, and love each other. Even though I never understood your way of loving. Our body and this vessel are a temporary thing, but the soul connection is something endless. I would wish many things to be different, but it is what it is in the end.

Some nights, I can feel your energy being sad and missing me - God is this possible? To feel someone else present and feeling. I can feel that you are sad and hurt. But I try to send you positive energy your way and suck the sad energy so it can get away from you.

I try to love you, but it took me a long time to see the cuts were too deep for me to help you fix them. You bleed on me and blamed me for your bleeding. And a lot of other things got mixed up in whatever we had.

I just want to say, some days I hate you, some days I miss you, and some days I just cry because I am glad that we do not destroy each other anymore but we live separately.

I always wish you the best and the best of luck and endless love. SJA 3

25-12-2022 21.40

 Yeah... I have screwed a lot of things up. 

Lately, I am a lot with myself. He got divorced, I meet with him - it went up and down real quick, he is away from my life, AGAIN. I cannot anymore. I swear I have never been this tired of myself. I have never been so fucking tired of myself being so naive and thinking the best out of everyone.

I love my friends - but I cannot see eye to eye with them. My family, being themself I cannot...

I do know... Not that I want to focus on the negative things. But I am not happy. I am thankful for every single thing that I have and have had to happen. But I do know, I really ... reaaally... want to be a young mom.

I want to have a baby in a year. I want a partner and my own family. I want that. I really want that. I want to be a mom, being home with my baby and my husband.

I do not God... I know I am about to be done in a short time period, 3 months. I really, really want a family of my own soon.

I just got a little sad... For a long time, I really wanted to be with myself and just be a carrier woman. But deep down what I really want is a family of my own, with love and happiness. I do enjoy being with myself and having time. But I do really love also to have my partner. I think all these years have hurt me so much that I am still recovering. 

Sometimes, I swear I do not know if I know how to freaking love... 

I did change my number, I need to focus on myself and my goals.

My goal is to be done with my thesis and be open to love.

13-10-2022 13.01

Hey...

I have been very busy lately. I am doing my masters, I have another project on going and an exam to pass. On the other side, I have to job - one of them in at a pharmacy and the other a pharmacy company. I am living in my own apartment, and running my house. I am an independent woman, that is just fighting to get through life...

Not so long time ago, my ex contacted me and told me he and his partner has splitted and are getting a divorce. It did not want me to go back to him or anything, I was just lisitning. I had a wierd feeling in me that wanted me to not to have any sort of connection with him. I do not like him as I did once, little did I know the family picture that I had builting in my mind was not existing anymore - he was just a person, that used to be close to me once upon a time - and not any more. 

I wished him the best of luck with his life, because his attention was to get back with me - but that was no option or any thought that ever had thought about every since he got married. It took me a while to get use to removing him in my mind by force - but know it has happened. I am not afraid of any of my feelings getting hurt or anything, he is just my past not anything more. 

I have never been a 'date' type of person, but nor do I not want to new another souls. I am open for meeting my true love now, because I just want to move on. 

16-11-2022 00.08

 Hello guys,

A long time has no seen... It is my birthday today. I have been in my own bubble lately. A lot of things have happened. I feel like I had so much to say in the last years I did not feel empty. But it is like, I have realized that no one is going to understand you even though when you speak out loud, so what is the point to talk out loud.

I am somehow, a complicated version, still in contact with my so-called ex who is married. I want to cut it and move on, but I am trying to heal and gather the strength to kick everything out of my brain about him. I just want to live my own life, with family and friends contact. Nothing more. One thing I have realized is the person that is in your life if they do not benefit from you - would not remember anything about you or be near you.

The clock is 11.11:

I forgot to close this chapter and rewrite it, but I am going to continue. I do not want anything anymore, I do not need anything from anyone. I just want my peace, love and good energy to be kept. I do not want to surround myself with people I cannot effort the energy to be with. I am in no interest to be in an environment where they or I do not serve any good. I am happy with being by myself and living life with myself and the handful of people that I have in my life. I do not compete with anyone, nor do I wish to have another life. I do wish to reach the life goals that I have, and I do wish to see everyone that I know and I do not know see them winning.

The sky is grey, and it took me a while to get up from my bed and come to school. In two hours I have a meeting with my supervisor about my master's, and I did forget one of the earlier meetings with my supervisor. I can feel it is going to be a very chill and quiet day. I only want it to be peaceful with only positive energy and a calming aura.

Thank you, God, for blessing me with this life, with all the flaws and imperfections. It has been a hell of a journey, but I am looking forward to seeing what there is in my path. I want to thank every soul, that has been with me through my journey to shape me the way I am. I am differently not finished yet, but I trust the journey and the process, and most importantly I trust God. So let's see for now.

Happy Birthday little me 16 years old, I am now 26 with these things in my baggage - I hope you are proud of me.

15-09-2022 11.27

 Hey guys,

I can feel the weather getting colder... Autumn is on its way.

The thing is, right now I am sitting at my desk at my school - and started on my master's. But you know they say that life is full of surprises. I will not say I am beginning to be more isolated, but it feels like this. I feel alone, not that it is a bad thing - life is really beautiful, full of colors and joy. 

When I was a little girl, I had a lot of dreams about my future... That when I am getting older, I will be successful and graduate. I am with my husband and have a family of my own. I am living in this huge house, where I am cooking food for my family of five. My husband, three kids, and me. And that everyone was happy... I dreamed that I and my husband will rule the world together, rule our own world .. and my family is happy.

But reality check... I have been through my worst heartbreak - with a guy I have known since I was 19. I have had ups and down, and my physical and psychological health has been constantly on edge. I am broke, barely making it - but I am surviving. I am fighting to get my degree in the house, so I can catch a breath after. I am living alone, and thank God I am independent. My family is there for me... I got frighting to dream big or have dreams of my own. Now I am at a stage where I am just. numb. But I am not giving up, even though I have no energy left.

07-09-2022 11.54

 I am sitting in the MA building, and thinking about how the upcoming 6 month is turning out to be. There has been some change of plans definitly. One of them is, that I am going to concentrate more about me - no more wasting time here and there. More to self develope, and get to know me mere. Lately, I began to love being with myself and give me me time.

I do not know why, but I feel everyone around me, their life is about to change for good and it is going to be divided with mine. And I am cool with it. I think it is for the first time in my life, that I feel dependent. I do not need to talk with anybody to be seen or heard. I do not need to be up to dated with what everyone is doing .. I am in some type of way, at peace with myself. And I wierdly like it.

So with focus towards the upcoming 6 month. I have to exam to pass before november - and my MA around march/april 2023. Until november there is only 2,5 month .. so I am basically on a timeline..

What I wish and want is:

- My family gathered and happy

- Getting my diploma end of march 2023

- Ending my school by the end of march 2023

- Dubai tour in november