20-06-2022 14.58

 Hi guys,

I know I am not that active as i used to be. But as you know the circumstances have changed. He is an married man now or what ever. Last time I saw him he told me he is getting separated. My family's situation is getting worse, and I am living with my friend. Everyone around me is not feeling well. I am tired of this stagnered energy and situation.

I want to get away from it, I want to be unbothered by all of these situation. I want to concentrate on more of me. I want to live my life without any expectation of anyone. I want to be not connected to no one. I want to be free of everything and just live an undisturbed life.

Not that my life right now is bad or mediocre no .. I have for a long time wanted, a chill, peaceful life. I want my family of my own with a loving, good and understanding husband that can vibe with my frequence. And I want my family to be on good terms, so everyone can be happy. I am just asking for simplicity, the basic things. Happy, glad, healthy and peaceful family.

Do I still want him back? No actually. Not anymore.

Why is that? Because I cannot forcefully give my love to another person that did not even wanted it at the first. Why do that? Why should I sacrifice myself for nothing at the end? What should possible be a reason enough for me to go back? ..

Do you miss him? No. I do not miss him, but I think alot about him .. more of our memories.

Do you love him? Yeah, of course. I will always love him - from a distance.

Do you dream of him? Sometimes .. I dream what if? But then snap back to reality.

Do you wish things could be different? It is a really complicated question. But no, then it will be controlled in my own mind.

Do you wanted it to be you he gave the ring to? I do not know. I would wish we somehow could make it work, 6 years of relation is a long time. And then 3 month after, watching him get engaged with another girl, and planning married and to have kids. This broke me.

Until today I do not know why things happened as it happened. I tried my best, yeah I know I told God I cannot do this anymore I meant it. I meant it because I lost myself at the end, I could not recognize myself. I could not tell which life I was living. My love for him was so deep and maybe also toxic, it was everything that I knew back then.. To be use to a life with the same type of frequency and give that up on a night? That was huge man. Besides that, my family have a problem ... like??? It could not be a better timing everytime.

Do you want to get back together? No. 

Why? Because I do not have the same energy again to go through stuff, I cannot comprehend if the same thing should happened. Our brigede is so damaged that it is unfixable. I know everything can fixed, but I have so much traumer from this relation. I do not trust him, I cannot count on him. I cannot anything with him. Only love because he did thaught me things. I did see his love. It was his best he showed me, but not enough for me I am so sorry.

So what now, what if he needs your help? I only will give it if he has no one els. But that is it. He will be my old safe spot, he will be my big baby - but I cannot do anything from here. I cannot feel his energy as frequency as I could before. 

Do you want to engage in another relationship? No. Not right now, I am still trying to heal..

But are you open for the oppurtunity to get to know another man? Yeah, if I am interested.

What do you want for yourself? Happiness. To get through my education and get my education with no problems. To soon have my own little family with the right partner. And that my family is whole again.

Have you completly let go of him? Completly no but I would say 90%. Yeah.. 90%.

What is the rest 10%? I do not, maybe that he is still my first person that I call when I really am lost. Maybe because I am afraid of fully moving on, because he is my old home. He is familiar to me. He knows me. Maybe because, our past I spended alot of time and invested alot of my energy, I am not ready to accept yet that it was for nothing. But hey, 90% is alot comparred if you asked me for 4 month ago .. It will take time. I do accept I cannot remove him completely yet, but time will come.

So you really do want to move on? Yeah. Yes I will.

Do you hate him for what happened? Partially. We did our best at the moment. He was not ready, I fell for a guy that I make him to be an image he never could be. We lived in the future. We both were bleeding. But he did fuck me over so many times, for himself. He did manipulate. He did many thing.. But at the end of the day, I did recover and I am still going through it. I do not hate him. I hold him guilty for many things he started in me. But I am working on forgiving him...