04-03-2022 11.27

 Hi guys,

Sorry for not updating in a long time but... A lot has happened.

I started my pharmacy internship, and I found a new 2 rooms apartment. I am not working to get money, so basically my economics is at the down-low. My family is at the same level of 'happiness'.

I am really happy about the things that are giving to me, but I feel overwhelmed - not because I do not want to move to a bigger and more stable place. It is because I am somehow forced to start a new beginning. My feelings and memories towards the apartment that I am living in now, I feel too attached to just leave it. I have so much and different memories here... My last love... Everything I have with him left is there. I have been dreaming about him lately, there is this distance between us - not that I want us to be close, but that my realization and also my physics and soul realization that, our history have ended. I am still in the process of trying to work it out with myself, to give myself, my body, my soul time, and understanding of everything.

I can easily still get tears into my eyes when I am thinking about him and our past. I can easily even when I am working, talking, having fun, not having fun, suddenly my brain switches .. and I am thinking about him. Even now, while writing this, I am in tears... Someone told me when you have loved someone so deeply as much as yourself, and suddenly they are out of your life for good - it is the same feeling and process of losing someone to death. but you know... I do not know what the future holds, but I am trying to make it a living with myself and my surroundings.

I know with my life obstacle I will come through, and I will make it. But in love...  I just cannot. I just can't. My train left the day he left and things happened the way they did. It is not worth it.

I never forget, the day my friend called me and told me he got through with it. Even now .. I cann't. Sorry guys, I will write later.