Dear Lord
The things that happened 19-10-2019, I was with my girls just chilling. And I made a deal date with him, to be with him and to sleep at his place. We went to a sushi place, to get some sushi take away.
On our way home to him, I asked him - when was the last time you had any girls at your place.
He looked at me and froze .. and I was like? I do not hear any answer, I just asked you a question.
And then he did not answer .. and then I was like you know what, do not even tell me now - I do not want to know. And then, he told me good because it does not matter and I do not want to tell you.
And then it hit me hard? I was like in my own mind - DO i really, love him? DO I REALLY LOVE HIM? GIRLFRIEND DO YOU REALLY LOVE HIM? LITALLERLY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!!!!
I was like all moody the rest of the way .. then he parked in front of his home, and I took my stuff out, he took his dog out - we went in the house ...
I sat at the front, he went in the kitchen to get me keychain, and then he came in front of my face and said, look what I boughted you.. I did not even look at him, I told him that I do not even want it, keep it. Then he god mad, he went in the kitchen and began to clean. I was like, I will go out to buy something - he was like no you do not go out. Then I was like watch me .. Then he was like to whatever you want to do. I took all of my stuff, and went out.. I had 5% at my phone, he wrote to me. That I should go and never come back, and I will never grow up. He called me several time, I did go my own way ... Do you know guys.. The funny thing is, that I was not sad. I was just in chok, or just I do not know how to say it. I was like, okay wtf? He just let me get out - and not even come and stop me .. and I was like I do not want to go home, let me see if he want me back or something .. like what is happening, this is so twisted ...
Then I called him, he was like so angry at me at told me to come back or he will come and get me. Then I was like no, I will come I have 5% at my phone I do not know, were I am at. And then he was like okay, I will come and get you - and then he was like, that car it is bad for it to drive for small places.. And then I was like fuck it, I will come myself... And then I went back.
I went back, with all the thoughts in my head swimming around - Like why do I really need to continue this, I already know the answer - I already know EVERYTHING. WHY DO I KEEP HIM IN MY LIFE!!! WHYYYY!!!! Suddenly I was infront of his home .. I uploaded my phone, and he was sitting in the kitchen. I thought should I be here? Should I say I am sorry? But sorry for what, I do not even feel guilty? I just want to go away, and just be my myself and I. He is such a joke.
While I was like thinking, he sat in the kitchen and were smoking. And then I told him, that I will take a train back at my home, I wanted to go home. And he was like no you do not go any where, I was like I want to go home.. Then I took my shoes on, and went out - he ran my way and said no come in here and do not make a scene like always, I was like no what do you want from me? What do you want to say? In my mind .. I needed him to say to me, lets talk about it - do not go. I want you, I need this to work, I am sorry for not telling you. BUT NOTHING.
I went in side the house again, and then I was like I need to smoke .. I told him, I will go infront of his home. And then, I went out and I was about to start smoking. He came and took my pack of cigarets, and then I was like go the fuck away. And then he pulled my hair several times, and said I have to come in - I was in shock and then I was about to light a cigaret up, and then he was like no you come inside NOW! I was like no, you aint shit - I need to smoke. And then he came towards me, and took the cigaret out of my mouth, and jumped on it, and said from now to the end you will never smoke in front of me. And then I came in I was my body was in so much shock, I told him to give him my pack of cigarets - he told me no. He said I have to eat something, I was like no I do not do that. And I looked at him, while I was crying, because my body was so much in shock - I could not even sleep at his place, I felt so unconfortable, I could not do anything. I just wanted to be at my own place, and away from him. I just wanted to go away, and just not experince the thing I experinced.
I wrote to my friend too come and get me, because I needed to go home - it was to much. I was trapped, with a man - I do not know if I love, or anything. He was just sitting there in front of me, and eating from that sushi, and then he wanted to go to sleep - because he was so bashed. And then they called me and said that they are on their way to me, and then I was like to him - Okay, you know what I will go know, do the fuck that you want to do. And he was like, I will block you for life, even if I die, I should never call or contact him. I was like no, trust me - I will never, and its you not me. And I hope them girls, was worth it. I smacked with the door, (I am sorry doggy for smacking with the door). And then I went away ...
My friend got me and, now I am on my way to my own place with the train. I am there about 04/05 at the morning O'clock. It is okay, I am okay - At least I am away and not with him...
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