Dear God,
Why is it so hard to stay in your own lane? He wrote to me - and I got captivated. I think maybe God wants to see how much I can resist him. God I know he is married. He fucking writes to me, that he does not feel well, because there is trouble with his wife, his life, and everything. Why should I listen to that fucking burden? I do not give fuck. I can not help. I am the type of person, where if anyone needs my help I will try my best to fucking give it. I want to help, but I fucking can not. And it messes with my core persona. Things piss me off. I am pissed at myself for not controlling what to do. I want to delete my number and get a new one, but I feel like it is a weak move. It is like I cannot resist temptation. It is fucking hard when every cell in your body wants to the one thing, but your logical mind says please do not. It pisses me off when my body and soul are in balance. God, you know I have never wished anyone or that man any bad thing. I always wished bad things for myself in my hardest situations. I do not get why you still allow the situation to be thrown in my face. I know it has been 1 year of separation, but Goddamnit I can not just turn my fucking feelings off and forget. Maybe some days I would wish, but what's the beauty in it when you wish it all to disappear? It was not maybe my wish of an outcome. But we fucking both suffer from our parents' doings. I do not know how it will turn, but God fucking damn it - not like this???
I am trying to understand myself, and the situation to how to act right. I do not want my feelings caught up. I just want to fucking live my not-so-immortal life on this earth. Fucking I deserve to feel good, have fun and have my own family in my nearest future.
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