19-12-2021 21.29

 Dear Lord,

I feel that I am numb. I feel that a lot has happened that was not in my control, that I had to sit back and just look at it. I have done stuff that I am not proud of. I have done stuff that I do not feel proud of even though I should be.

My ex-love of 5/6 years, is getting engaged and ready to marry. My family situation is not getting better. My mental state is not getting stronger. Every day I am struggling with my mental health and how to cooperate with the world. I feel pretty much alone even though my family and my circle are around me. Before I felt I was tired and exhausted, now I am just numb without feelings and muted.

I am verbally tired to speak, act and tell. I am emotionally tired of expecting, giving, receiving. I am physically tired of the amount of stress and anxiety that I make my body go through every day.

At times I can smile and have fun but is it all on the surface. I am not glad nor sad, just in a phase where I need to find myself and find out what is happening, and what is wrong.

I have not been crying a lot in the past 3-4 months, but lately, because I cannot express myself anymore or try to understand myself or anything, I just cry ................

I am fine... Everything is just quiet... chaotically quiet .. Do not know what to do, say, act, or...

I am thinking about my ex-lover for a long time... I told my sisters that he is getting engaged, I swear I was in doubt to tell, and say it out loud in front of my family - because then I knew, it is the last move and then it is done, the chapter/book is now closed forever. To be honest, I knew me and he cannot make it happen, because of our past and the way that we are - but I never realized this opportunity of him just bouncing off and leaving me behind just like that after 1 month we did not speak, for him initiating a relationship with another girl. I have a lot on my chest and mind to get it all out, but I am just in shock, numb, muted, and lost.