24-10-2021 23.13

 Hey guys, 

I am not feeling well... I do not know suddenly I got anxiety and stress. It is just my life... I do not know.

Yesterday my right ribs hurt so much, that I went to on-call doctors - I thought I got gallstone. I have been on medication (pain reliever) for two days. I tried to call YA, and tell him it is not his fault - it is because the day before and the day that my pain got worse, he plays teased me... And it got worse. I have been to the doctors twice, and then they judged that it was a muscle that was damaged, I had to relax and take medication, and chill... I am at DM place, she is done talking on the phone I will halla later...

The clock is 23.27 - I am back again.

The thing is, so many things are happening - there is a heavyweight on me. I will try to define it for myself, to see if I can work some of my issues out. My family is split, my exams are near and my concentration is off, I am thinking about SJA on rare occasions.., I am not living at my place I am at home with DM, I am tired and exhausted.

God truly, thank you for everything .. but that the start of this year I wished my family to get closer and healthier, and happier. But everything is just so separated and I feel more alone than ever. I know I am loving people around me, I have many caring about me. But I fell weak and incapable of nothing. I just want my wishes to be fulfilled. 

There is this boy/man YA, that has entered my life. I do not know what to do with him. We are not even in contact daily, and we are just "friends" I guess I do not know. But my relationship with him is as SJA, it is not with any title .. it is weird. I do not know what to do with it. He is a sweet soul with his own special personality. I do not know what to do with it... Our connection is deep, but it is also complicated weirdly. I cannot explain it. 

I swear all I am asking for is a chill, happy, and quiet life - with of course a lot of celebration and fast life regarding my school and carrier. I am about to be 25 years old, with anxiety and depression, and sometimes afraid of taking steps. I am trying really hard to keep up with daily life challenges.

I want my own family, and luck - I want to find my forever partner so we can build. Someone that has the same fair and understanding in life as me, someone who I can go through life with even though there will be an obstacle but we will go through it together and make each other the better version of each other.

My thoughts:

... ... ... ... breathing deeply ... ... ... I miss you, aunty ... ... 

The more elder I get it will get heavier. Like I do not know, my life is just numb - right now. Yeah, I feel numb.

Do you miss SJA?

I do not know if I miss him. I am glad that we are done with each other. His place in my life I am trying to fill it up. It is not easy for me to just put 5 years to rest. It is not easy to suddenly give up control and give up another person, and go through a path without that energy - because even though it was toxic, it was something that was a part of my everyday life. You know ... Not that I want to say that it was normal, it was not. But I have a huuuuuuge empty space in my life, and I do not know what to do about it. Sometimes at night, I am imagining him next to me, that I am sleeping on his chest and he is hugging me. The warmth of his body made me fall asleep. Sometimes I imagine that I am walking past his place and looking at him at the window sitting and thinking. I do not know if it is called miss, but I swear you guys, I cannot keep up with another person - to go through so much pain, ups and downs for nothing. I know it is good for building your character - and it is good in so many ways to go through problems to know what you want in life, but for how long? I have been on the run all of my body is covered with scars from every connection/person I have in my life... Yeah, I do not know. But I am thinking of him sometimes, and I am still processing the deep scars/trauma I got through our time together...

I still love him and wish him the best in life. I hope he will find his smile and luck and be happy forever. Because whatever we went through was very heavy and not fair for anyone to go through...