06-08-2021 21.45

 Hello Guys,

Right now I am getting a lot of anxiety waves. I do not know why I am all of sudden so stressed.

You know, I thought when I was a little kid, that I would be so strong and be so ready for everything. Now I am 24 years old and am about to be 25 years old this year 16. November. I am still a little confused 9 years little girl, that does not know how to manage stress and situation. Some days, I really want to give up and just say f*ck this sh*t, and getaway. 

God, sometimes I wonder why, like literally why should be like this. I know I am blessed by so many things in my life, my beautiful little family, my work, my education, the people that are around me. But I swear, sometimes I can be so depressed that nothing can work, meaning I can be so sad and isolated from the world in my head - even though when I am with good people in a very positive energetic environment. It is just, I can not tell how I feel sometimes. I feel like something is choking me, like a rope is around my neck and it is preventing me from breathing. I can sometimes while doing my things, think about everything else in my life.. such as my little teenager sister's situation, and my family been tired and need resting. And me having problems and trouble with my ex-partner, me constantly have to fail my exams, and being so drained out of energy and positivity. You know... And besides all this, I am too afraid to dream big of wish tings. Because it scares me to what the outcome will be. Before when I was a little younger I was full of energy and was careless about the world. Now I am so cautious about everything. Should I hang out with people? Should I make a different connection with people? Should I dare to dream again? What should my dreams be about? What to do? What not to do? ...

God I swear, I am literally so tired. I am so so so sooooo t.i.r.e.d. words cannot describe that I sometimes, I cannot like to be in my own body and soul. I feel like I am a prison of time and my body. That body is just a vessel for this world, and I have to overcome some challenges and fail to succeed.

I know I am not talking so much to you anymore. And you know why ... I am afraid. I am afraid for my life, my future, my existence. I am afraid. I have never been so much afraid about everything.

I am so angry, and aggressive, and hateful towards many things. I cannot tolerate so many things anymore. I wish to be happy God, it is all I am asking for.

My wish: I wish to be happy. I wish to be glad and hopeful with a sense of dare to dream and take chances. I wish to just be careless and help and be there for people and have the time and energy to make a better world. I wish to see my family and my surroundings be happy and joyfully and glad. I wish that everyone that I know, including people who have hurt me during my lifetime to be happy.

I swear you guys, sometimes .. I do not even want to sleep. I just want to not exist.