14-12-2020 19.33

 Dear God,

I am sitting at my work in between people, I have a break right now. I am thinking a lot of things while people are talking, laughing, and screaming, and having a good time.

Besides me passing my exams in January, I really want a family of my own reason soon.. in the nearest future. I want many babies. I want a warm family with a good partner, who talks the same language as me in a way we understand each other, and the way he loves his family and parents is the way that I love - not more, not less. I do not want perfect, I just want a good dynamic between my family and his.

To be honest, I do not believe in love outside of the family area. The only real love is only between me and my parents, siblings, and family. I do not think it is called love between me and the man I want to be Father to my kids, I think it is called partnership. I do not know. It is just, there are so many things that I want but for me to realize somehow, that I cannot have it with him makes me no more but only sad because I think I have become more realistic in my thoughts and the choices that I am making about my life. I really would wish that in so many ways I and him could make our history different, but then it hit me. I do not want it another way, God sent me him for a reason, and right now I can see it all clearly. He was the lesson I had to learn, and I will not wish any different. I love him from a long distance and wish him well with his life and everything. But that's it. I know I will make it through life without him because I can feel I am finally ready. It is a different era, and feeling and energy. But I know I will make it. I can feel it.