Dear God, suddenly so many thing is happening, and I am just in shock about where my life is taking turn. The one thing that I am still a little bits struggling with is that I have to shake everything with *J*, away from my life body and cells. I have still strong feelings, but I do not feel that atachment that I felt before. The need to be with him and having that perfect picture of me and him with our children. I sometimes have them, because I had designed every detail of my life with him. And the more time passed by and hour passed by, it became worse and more worse.
Dear God and my readers, do you know the feeling after a big storm when your life becomes very chill and slow - and everything "seems" to be all right, and then suddenly you have different mood swings, and when you reminicse about the past you begin to cry or thinking how stupid you could be, or why you even accepted the things that where happening, or why you even allowed the things happen the way it happen, or eventhough that time you knew that the things would make any different, but you still keep the hope in side your soul, because you believed the best in every man and people, and you are a true believer to change and peoples well being.
Right now I am in a fase, that I am trying to hold my life stedy and still. Because I love peace and quite. I love that I can think clear, and there is nothing going on. Even though, I suddenly kind of wrote with him and, me and my dad had a huge fight - he does not even want to look at me or talk to me the way he did, and that is okay - people always leave me, so God I am used to it. Maybe God wants me to be stronger and know my worth more that every, and I see what you are doing God, I can feel that I am way better, and I do not break that easily anymore.
I kind of know, how to act - how to be - what to attrack the people who are good to me - how to behave - how to speak, treat people - what to do - what not to do ..
Beside all of the thing I wrote, I know my worth - and when to speak up and when to shut up. Even though I know I am still under learing - and I have alot to learn from. And I know I need to move on for real, and become the better version of myself for myself, friends and everyone.
One thing that I am thinking about now and then is him, because I have my reasons.
God, I really hope the best for him - I hope he recieves the best of the best. Even though he put me through hell, and I know he has his reasons - but please bless his life more than bless mine, because he really need the light and smile and every blessing, and that man need to change many thing. I know his heart and I have seen it naked and honest true in his words, that time when we got really close. I am happy, that God bonded my life with his, and he became that type of my experience.
God I am so blessed and I have never been thankful for everything, that I have had been through. I love you so much and I do not know where I am going, but I trust you and I trust my time for everything. Even though I do not understand why, I accept my faith as it has been planned by you..
I love you - I trust you - I cannot wait to see what there is that I have to go through, one thing I pray for is his well being. If he smiles I smiles, he will always be my little baby. God please save him from every bad thing.
Love you Dear Lord.
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