3/5 exams i have passed, and I am waiting for my 2 last exams. Last year about this time, I had problems with him, and it totally threw my focus away from my exams so I dumped 3/4 of my exams. And it was a very hard summer/year for me. But now after we cutted out contact, its like I can finally breath, and it makes me sad .. Somehow, I still love him and I still miss him. Even though, he has been cheating .. You know I know this is such a cliché, but somewhere and somehow he I feel like he is my baby. He is the one that I want to try with over and over.. I know I will bring myself more problems and more headache, but I do not know, he will always be my baby. Maybe for right know, but I feel nothing and this is bizar for me because, I know how captivated I can be by love, and know I am just .. I do not know, all by myself, and starting over maybe? I do not know. But one thing I know is, that I am hurt by him, not by who he is, but by the way I tried so hard to make him the "man" of my dreams, and even though he was him, I had no right to change him. I should just change my behaviour and the things that I want and give, instead of making someone making my dreams come true, I should make my own dreams come true, because its my dream. Not anyone elses.
I have had several dream about him, where we were so distance, and we did not have anything with each other. And In my dream, he were cooking for my family, but he did not have any seat at the dinner table, so he went away. And last night, I dreamed about me and him being together, we were cuddling, but then I felt the disgus feeling in my whole body, I wanted him to go away because I did not cuddle with real love feelings, it was just a habit that I had with him, everytime we where together, we cuddle, but this time it was not naturally.
Last night, I cried so much .. because I felt like, no one understands me. I remember RTT, they told me I should never expect other to be there for me, or the way I am expect other be there for me. I should now expect anything, from anyone, only my self.
Dear God/Universe, I do not know what is going to happen, but I hope I am prepared or strong enough to fight my next problem/mission.
Its Upgrade Time. Blessed Up. Keep Your Head Up.
Ingen kommentarer:
Send en kommentar