Dear reader, I do not know what to say .. I gave him my number 02-07-2018. Things just did not change. I do not know, what happened. But it happend.What it is I really do not know.
I am so confused about everything .. My friends they tell me, that the only one who needs saving is myself, and the worst part about saving some one is yourself and not the others, because it means, that you have to realize some of the truth that is going to hurt you - even know you all ready know them - but when you really and with and clear mind think about them its hurts most - because you expect that you are your own strenght, you give more than you get. You even give the things that you do not have, but you give them because too see some one be happy because of your doings it makes you happy, it makes you complete in some way - but the thing you are missing is, you can't see you lost yourself in the way. You do not know who you are anymore, what you want - who you want to be og become, because you your whole life choose to listen to other people telling you to do this or that - you listen and to excatly what they want you to do. You have been like that in forever, and your plate is so full, that you are like alomst drowning, because you allow people to give some of their (leg irons) to you, without thinking twice about if you can handle the presseur, or if you can handle to still using your muscle to be on the water surface, so you do not drown.
Never in million years, would I one day think - that I am alone. I am so alone, even though I have a family and a "alomst" loving boy - who I try too make my future husband - but I still feel alone and lost.
I do not know dear God and dear Reader - I am just trying, one step at a time .. I lost my job, I will go to my own place tomorrow or in 2-3 days, because I feel I need a space of my own. I need to find myself, I need to be this strong independent woman, who do not need no one. But the bad thing about me is, I rather see people happy and me sad, than them sad and me happy. Even though everyone tell me, that I have to think about myself always and forever, because if I am happy I will give other the positive wibe and atomaticly make them happy.
People say, life is like a game - when the game starts its, when you are born - and you have to survive through it, through feelings, break ups, make ups, families, friends, relationsships, school, work, economy - everything.
See it as if its a thing you have to go through, and this is the only pathway you can go through, because God give his strongest fighters the most difficult game to survive, because he knows that the outcome will be a HELL OF A BEAUTIFUL result. So stay strong, be you - keep being you - if you have to make a change, CHANGE - do what you think its right - and FAIL with uprised face. Do no be afraid of failing, do NOT be afraid of taking chances - because at the end of the day you do not know how it will turn, you do not know what will happen.
The things that are happing, is already written - you just have to go thorugh it and keep being stronger and stronger and wiser of course. I know its hard, I know its completely devestating, its not funny to always have problems and mind games and just situations where you have to be sad. I know it all, but go through it and do nt be afraid. Go through it, and see whats happening.
If you see you are failing, change you pathway make it work - if you want something, fight for it. You WANT it, its YOU who WANTS it .. not just anybody - its YOU. So keep fighting, be you - make a change stay strong I love you ...
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