29-08-2022 13.17

 Hey Guys,

I wanted to update you guys regarding what I am doing, and how I feel.

Currently I am at my work place. I feel fine and stable for the first time in my life. There is not a lot of distance between when I cry and smile. I am trying to stabilize my emotion and acts. But there is something I am trying to figure out. I am a person that does not find myself in between others relation/marriage or anything. But God why is it complicated in this case.. I was in love with this guy for 5-6 years, our relation was at its darkest .. he went and got married 1 month after our separation. I have been in contact with him a very few times. The very few contact, helped me to go through my scars and I am more at ease with myself .. I know maybe I could do it without him involved - but I feel it is not that simple. I get to empty myself and get some answers .. Not that I want him to be in contact with me. I do not feel guilty with me and him being in contact, I do not know if it is because I am getting use to this or if it is not 'wrong'. I am not trying to get back with him, just for my to justify all of the things we went through. Sometimes life is not just black and white, I would wish.. The funny thing is, that because of the little contact we have had - I am more confident and resting. I am more happy and more alive. I cannot explain this. And then my friend calls me and tells me that his best friend is cheating with another girl and the new girl is making sure that they get a divorce. I got disgusted over that other girl. Then it all hit me, maybe it is not the same situation - but the pattern is. He is married, for me to be there - it will motive him more to not stay. But the thing is, I do not want him. He is not my ideal man. I want someone who understand me, and upgrades me .. Not a person I should baby???? Wtf. Yeah.. so currently, I am trying to figure out what this is... I am trying to understand, what to do and which way to take - to make it my forever. But firstly, I do definitely thing about myself and to respect others.