10-10-2021 15:12

Somebody said if you overthink write... if you underthink then read.

I am overthinking a lot of things right now, why I want to write.

I am at my school reading for my exam, sitting all alone in this huge place called the quiet room - where the students can study in peace. But my problem is I am thinking about many things besides reading or studying for my exam right now. But because it is not interesting, but .. because my thoughts are all over the place. I am thinking a lot about my future, my family friends, the new people that I have met. I am thinking a lot about the new obstacles that are in my way, regarding my school, work, carrier, health, eating everything. To be honest, I am thinking a lot about this gentleman than I meet. His energy is so intense and so positive, that I know and I can feel I am so attracted to it, I want it. But the problem is, that I should have some of his values, I have to change many things in me. Not that I want to be him, but the values that his personality possesses, are something that I do not have, I am missing, or is lacking in me.

I talked with my friend earlier, that is why suddenly things happened I meet him shortly after a huge break up on a relationship that was toxic and not durable. He made me realize so many things that I just closed my eyes on ages for another man's satisfaction. In a short time, unintentionally, without me and him know each other, he gave me so much space to be me and just gave me the boost that I needed to not look back and just go forward. God knew I have attachment issues, he made sure that I did not fall for this one because of my current situation: my emotional unstableness. He has been in a marriage for 8 years, has a beautiful son and the third one is that I do not have his personal number. This is huge big three blocks God sent with him as a package deal - and I going to accepted it, because if it is meant for me to use this tool as a blessing, then I will treat it with respect and love until time shows more or less. I am still trying to figure out what know.. I keep dreaming about my ex and this new guy (even though he is just a friend) in the same dream, it is like I am in between two lifetimes, and I cannot decide which way to go so I am giving up on both of them because it is too much emotional vulnerability for me right know, that's why I am in undeniable... I was thinking right know .. if the opportunity came along and if I have had to choose on current situation between SJA and YA, even though I do not know him - I would choose YA, my body is in chok for me writing this, but yes I would choose him...

 But I am still at that stage, where I am comfortable in my one element. It is hard to be good at changing or have to be something else all of sudden because time changes and people change. I am thinking a lot about my ex, I have been in this environment in my own head, where I am riding solo and I am protecting my energy and time so that no one can take it from me. I can feel that my feelings are suppressed not in a bad way, but it is in a box, but sometimes whenever I am getting small triggers where it is pointed at my weakness I will get my pitbull mood on. I do not know the way that I am managing myself if it is healthy or unhealthy, but the change that I can feel that I have is, that I am back to me being the listener and the advisor towards my nearest, which makes me happy because I am in my ess whenever I can be there for anyone.

Guys, I am trying to because a better version of myself every day. There is still a lot of things that I am dealing with, that are irritating me or I do not like to participate in. There is a lot of things, that I want to change. I am at a place in my life, where I want to settle down, and start a new big chapter with a partner and have a family. I know it has been a short time for me to go through a healing process with my last. But I am opening doors to marriage with a partner that I can and we can together.

I am proud of my past, and I will give my life, body, mind, and soul the time that they need healthy. But I welcome the opportunity to meet other souls, and I cannot wait to meet my soul mate in this lifetime. I am ready for God, Universe, Life.