14-09-2021 11.13

Hi guys,

Yesterday - I had a good day. My school is started, I am quite busy with my life. I am working out, everything is was good. Late night after my boxing training, something went in happening. I had the need to call YA, not that I wanted to know what he was doing or try to control where he is at nothing like that, just to chitchat, I really tried to not call him because I did not have any reason what so ever, but then I thought you know what fuck it, why should be wrong with it right? It texted him just to know if he was awake or busy, he was not, and he wrote call me if you need a psychologist - then I called him.

We small talk, like what's up - you good and all that. Then suddenly we talked all around the world. I could feel that my discussion with him, turned out to do something within me. I noticed, every time we speak I am always hearing, listening, and I am giving him my full attention, try to be there even though his baggage is different than mine. The beautiful thing about it is, that he is taking my advice into consideration and he respects me. But while speaking, I needed it to be my turn, not because that I did something for him, now it is his turn, but all my life I have always been there through anything and everything with the "male-figures", I just needed a little attention and ears to listen to acknowledge me. And then while and speaking, I could feel in my soul that I am suddenly in a conversation and trying to scold him - and by doing that, I could feel that I am trying to get my past anger from SJA, out on him. And then suddenly it hit me, that I am not over my past trauma with SJA. It suddenly hit me so hard, that it made me sad. I had to end the conversation because it made me realize so many things that I just have had suppressed. 

I have not yet, started the healing process, what I have done in a long time is just, acting like I did not have any feelings, that it was all over. Now, I am left with a feeling, that I have a huuuuuuge heeeeavy baggage that awaits me to be looked into. A moment of realization of many things.

I thank God, that he threw a very nice, gentlemanly, respectful, very playful, and energetic person on my wait to awake my request. I know it will be hard, today I just cried my eyes away, because my feeling, and the underlying problems that I have had, had finally come up to the surface - I really did not feel to be among crowed because my feelings is all over the place. But I could not be at home either, because I will drown in my own thoughts, and it will make me more sad and unwell.