14-02-2020 12:23

Hey Guys,
This is special day for a special person.
Around 21. January, me and him did not speak anymore .. I could feel it in my bones and my heart, that there were not and inch or ounce in my body that wanted to have any contact or relation with him anymore. I just suddenly turned cold and totally feelingsles.
I had several dreams about him, one were his mom contacts me about his son not been well, and he is not happy. And then she wanted to ask for my hand, and she said whatever I am choosing it will be. And then I looked at her and told her, I am sorry I just can not. And then she were like, it is okay - they went away.
Another dream were, that I saw him and blue, around in my dream just looking at me - and I was so careless and over it, it did not even matter anymore.

Fast forward, today:
Guys, since me and him did cut the contact, I have been okay with it. It did not even phase me, and I do not feel like I am in my own body with my own feeling or life. I do not know how to explain, but I  feel like I am just at autopilot mood right know.

I wrote a text message were I said happy birthday, and we wrote all night - it was not suppose to go that way our conversation. But it went like that. But I could feel that he did not even wanted to have any form of contact or anything, and everytime I talk to him about anything it just makes me cry and I do not know why. It just does not even makes sense for me anymore. I sometimes I just do not understand me and my feelings. I literally feel like somewhere, my feelings and my life is somehow gone, and I am just living because I have to.

I know deep down, I still love him and everything. Even though I do not feel like it right now, or maybe I am really over it. But I still want to do anything for him - but you know the feeling, that the weight of I do not care anymore about anything or anyone, just weight more than anything.

God please help me, I am really confused about, why I feel so numb and just are totally careless.

For you my love, I hope this day become a sweet and a good start memory of your 32 year old. I love you always, I hope the best for you. Kisses XOXO me. <'3