11-03-2015 - 23:39

I been told, you will never get over your first real love .. Your really real  first love, not first heart broke. That you cannot forget, first tears for a boy. But the love that you have had in years, the feelings that has been there and been gone .. The patient and waiting for a really long time, because the thought of him coming back in your life is keeping you kind of alive. The feeling that kills you every time when you think about him, and realize he is not by your side, he has moved on, he is having fun and are thinking other thoughts, and you are here thinking about him before you sleep, thinking about him daily. There has not gone a day without him not popping up in your mind. When the ones around you talking about boys, you will think of him, when you hear or see things, you will think of him. It feels like an obsession, a sick mind game that you cannot win. A very fucked up long timed situation that you are stuck in, that can make you cry your eyes off, even though there is no connection between. The connection has been gone for almost three whole years.
Oh dear Lord .. What if I cannot get him? What if I never come over this ... What if all this waiting, was not for him .. If not then why should I go through this. It literally feels like the worst torture a human ever could feel.
How I feel .. besides having a tortured heart. I want him now and forever. I want him to be beside my heart. I want him to want me back the way I want him. I need him to need me back the way I need him. I .. just .. want him to say it will never happen, so I at least can come over it. Come over it by knowing it will never happen, and first that is another story. But ending the sentences by making me keep thinking okay .. so you say that you and I aren't ready for any relationship yet, want me to wait a lifetime.
But by now you have properly forgotten all about it. See.. that is so not fair! Making me cry over here, and you there partying with the different girl every night .. And making me staying away from boys. That is just not fair ...........